Swears A Little Less (Part II)

I won't take the other post down because I felt it strongly when I wrote it.  But I will explain a few things here which ought to be provided.

The man who didn't show up for me has been been my ex for awhile.  I never asked him to accompany me to this biopsy but he did offer to do so and said he wanted to be there.  But I had to reschedule it when he said that, and ultimately scheduled it for today, two days after Christmas.  And due to all of our off-ness, he had made other plans to be somewhere else over the holidays.  Which meant I was alone.

I felt unreasonably rejected.  Unreasonably, I say, because we are always off and what, he should wait around and try hard to see if we could make something work by Christmas? That has never been his m.o., which I think touches on the heart of the matter.  His m.o. is to do stupid things and then argue for those pointless things and in very unfair ways, gas-lighting me and then blaming me for the argument after he was the one who initiated it through bad behavior and infantile communication skills. His m.o. is non-pursuit and benevolent neglect; it is chosen absence and chosen blindness.

This whole month has taught me how much I need to get much, much better --- how I can no longer stand, health-wise or any other kind of -wise to be in situations which put me through this kind of turmoil.  I know he's working on a lot of things and I think that's great, but he's also still stuck in these patterns that are thoroughly destructive to me and which leave me, inevitably, standing alone. Which I should and have been doing.  Because he's my ex, and I guess your exes just cannot be your friends or anything else.

So I had no right expecting him to change his (out-of-state) plans and be there for me.  I had no right to call him sobbing and then be offended that he didn't call until six hours later.  I have no right to expect anything decent or kind from him as a basic reaction to anything involving me, much less him taking a position of pro-active care and pro-active love expression towards me.  I have no right because I should goddamn know better.

It can't be this hard to find someone compatible. God, but maybe it is, and maybe so much of us are out there settling for a life that is just two steps above a shitpile because it's what we know and it's what we've accepted.

This man is not a bad man.  He's just an absent man, and absent in a lot of ways that relate to me.  And while I feel sorry a lot of times that he is like that, I need to start caring for myself more.